Pa and feelings of worthlessness

[Sunglow21]

I know this one has probably been done to death but hopefully someone will humor me anyway. I was wondering how many people often feel (at times) that they are worthless due to their disease? I know I used to be strong, outgoing, upbeat, independent, do everything yourself sort of girl. I always had two jobs even while in school. Well since my pa (especially during flare ups like now) I often feel ashamed, embarassed and yes even worthless. I am unemployed and find it hard to job search when I can barely walk most days. I know I sound like a pity party but was just wondering how many feel or have felt this way and what they did to overcome it. Do certain exercises help? I don't really want to do the anxiety pill method. I was put on antidepressants a few years back by a guy that didn't even try to figure out what was wrong, all he did was up the dose if I said I still didn't feel good. The first type I took (zoloft) left me feeling miserable physically and then serzone turned me into a bitch. So I would welcome any alternatives. Thanks for listening.
Hugs,
Ali

[Sparky]

Ali,

I too struggle with these feelings. You have certain wisdom, a kind heart, kind thoughts, deep feelings and nuture others with these gifts, I find it hard to believe that we are worthless. We must look harder to see these beautiful gifts and ignore what we consider worthless. I am also finding this difficult.

Yours in Life, Brad

[kelbie]

Hi,

I've been living with this for 30 years with 85% coverage. My family has been good with helping me keep my spirits high and I am usually a happy-go-lucky type of person. But, I am only human and do have my days. I live in a small town (not by choice) and most people here are ignorant. I try not to be ashamed of the way I look, but in the summer if I go out I have had people point, laugh, and make comments. A few years ago I went into the grocery store and this one woman starts talking in a loud voice..."Oh my God, what is wrong with you...look at her, she must have AIDS", at that moment I felt myself getting hot and my eyes start to water. I went to pay the cashier and she didn't want to take the money from my hand, so I laid the bills on the counter. I got in my car and cried, I cried until I was ******.
At that point I knew if I did nothing this mouthy woman would haunt me for the rest of my life. So, I got out of my car, marched back into the store and found the loud mouth.
I asked her if she knew what I had and as she stood there speechless starring at me shaking her head no, I touched her arm and said neither do I, hope it's not contagious!
Maybe what I did wasn't the "right thing to do" but I felt better.
I try not to see myself as worthless, I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter...far from worthless. I think the most times I feel "bad" about myself is when in the eyes of strangers because they have been the most cruel.

But, in the eyes of my family I'm great!! And in the end that's all that really matters! =)

Kelly

[tsicard]

Add me to the list of those who think you're great Kelly. I don't know you, but I definitely like your style. I hope "loudmouth" has learned a lesson and maybe can become your advocate in the future.

[sclarkwally]

First off, you are not worthless. And yes, you are entitled to a pity party...for a little while. This disease robs you of traits you never thought you could keep until they gradually come back - strength, independence and sheer will to go on. But they will come back. Good luck and keep your chin up.

[rosee_posey]

Hello Ali,

In case you haven't noticed, we all know what you are going through here ;-)

Hmm. What can I say?

When I first got P, I tried to use sheer will in my desire to get rid of it. I fought like the devil.

As my P progressed (and it progressed very quickly), I saw my body degenerate quickly...started with guttate spots, to lesions, to blisters, to erythodermic. Then I couldn't lift my arms. Then I couldn't turn my head. I stopped driving. I began to walk slowly with a limp. It got to the point where I was using a stick to get about. Then I couldn't roll over in bed without screaming in pain. Then my husband couldn't even touch me.

The disease isolated me. Only two of my friends visited me, and then it was only once. 6 months is a long time to go with only two visits. My derm recommended hospitalization, but I didn't go b/c they couldn't make me better...I was already on Cyclosporine, MTX, Accutane, tons of topicals, and Norvasc to keep my blood pressure down from all the meds.

So here I was, fighting like the Dickens, throwing every chemical known to Mankind on this, and my P was STILL progressing. When I was there, I wanted to *die*. Like you, I am very outgoing, did lots of things, worked full time and did lots of volunteer work. To have my life drop out like that was pure misery. What ****** me off so much was that it wasn't like Cancer - people knew what Cancer was - it was such a strange and foreign disease, people stayed away. In my mind, the only thing worse than suffering from a life-threatening disease is *wanting* to die. At least with Cancer, you didn't have a choice- if you didn't treat it, you were going to die. P isn't like that. I couldn't bear the thought of living the entire rest of my life like that. I was only 31.

What did I do? I gave up my will. I did lots and lots of praying. (When you're immobile in bed, you have a lot of time.) I made myself a promise that the experience of this disease would not be in vain. "God," I said, "If this is how it's going to be, I will accept your fate. Give me the wisdom to understand your will for my life."

So anyway, we kept trying different things - and found Remicade. I am experiencing a 15 month remission so far, but I have gone off MTX and all we have left is Remicade - and we are planning to remove that as well. My lesions are slowly starting to return, as well as the aches.

I continue to turn my life over to my Higher Power. You don't need to get super-religious or anything like that - but I found that "turning my life over" helps me deal with Life on Life's terms, One day at a time. Every day is now a special gift, and means so much more than it ever did, and my life definitely has more meaning now.

Hope this helps -
- rose

[carebear]

Hi Ali,

I completely understand how you are feeling. For the first time in 9 years of having this disease from head-to-toe I am finally dealing with the emotional side of things. I always tried not to let my p get to me, but always during the spring and summer time it does. I am only 25 years old and all my friends get to wear the fun summer clothes while I am stuck in my jeans and long sleeve shirts. It sucks and only thing I can say is that your not alone!!!
(I love your name, I named my daughter Alyssa and we call her Ali)
I realized about 2 weeks ago that this disease is really starting to depress me and I just have to be strong. In a way it has taught me to look deeper than the skin. I can relate to alot that I couldn't relate to before.
Hang in there and don't let the P get you down. :)

[ct69646]

I often feel depressed as well. I'm almost 20, young, and have so much life to live but just thinking about how this disease makes me feel: I just want to cry. I even have trouble talking about it. Today I took a step though. I went to the counseling center on campus and asked about making an appointment. I know I'm depressed and that I shouldn't be so I want to do something about else about it. I can't live my life in the shadows, it makes me too depressed.

[freddy1]

Sometimes I would feel like that every day for weeks. It's not true. It is not a fact, it is a feeling. All those little phrases you say to yourself. Sometimes they help, sometimes they just piss you off. :)

I hope you feel better.

[freddy1]

Oh and wellbutrin has done wonders for me. None of the side effects of prozac or the other SSRIs. Did I say none? Yup. It has been a godsend. The doc gave it to me to quit smoking ( 9 months on February 1 !!!! ).

Chin up and come out swinging Sunglow. It sucks, I know. It sucks hard. I for one refuse to be cowed anymore. I am tired of it.

Are ya with me?

[quickcobra2003]

ct69646,

I am sorry to hear of you problems with p. You came to the right place for support. There are many caring people here who can help you with information as well as a shoulder to lean on. Taking the first step in seeking help is a big one. I will keep you in my thought and prayers, know that you are not alone.

Robert

[Kimbercat]

Hi ct69646.

I'm sorry to hear how difficult to deal with you are finding all of this, but you're by no means alone. Many of us deal with depression and feelings of worthlessness due to these diseases. Seeking counseling is an exellent first step. You may also want to look into finding a support group in your area. There's nothing that helps more than meeting others who have walked in your painful shoes, and know just how you feel. I notice that you are in NC. There are 3 support groups in that state, and I hope that one of them is near you. You can find information on them here (http://support.psoriasis.org/home/index.php).

I'd also just like to point out that the posts that you responded to are several years old, not that that changes any of the feelings expressed in them. You just may not hear from the original posters, as sometimes people move on. Good luck in finding ways to deal with your feelings and these tough diseases (particularly at your age), but know that there are many others here who will gladly help you along, and answer any questions that you have. :)

[teddyg]

I'm glad to see that alot of people feel the same way as me. I have three girls, and at the moment I just hate weekdays and live for the afternoons when my husband comes home and the weekend when he is home all the time. Mornings are the worst, and they happen to be the same time as when the children are the most demanding, cos they're hungry, or need changing or whatever (they're all under 3)
This morning I cried and kept on feeling like crying til about 11am, which was when my meds started to take over and made me feel better. It is so hard to get up and keep going and looking after your family when all you want to do is curl up in a ball (as much as you can without pain) and cry.
I can say that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning!

Thanks to the one (sorry I forgot your sign on name) who said she looked to a Higher Power for her help. That's a big encouragement and something I should do more often.

Georgina